TW: Suicidal Thoughts, Medication Over-Use, and Abandonment
Hi, this is my story of my 'Happy' Life. It all started when I was a little baby. When my parents brought me home from the hospital, they fought on the first night, and they fought every day since then. Three years later, they had my brother, NB. I do love that kid, even though he is a little brat that gets on my nerves 24/7. When I was 4, my parents got divorced. I don't really remember most of my childhood, but I am making a good living. Since 2014, my mom married J.R., and now I am related to horrible people I don't like. Meanwhile, my dad sits at home with his mom all day, depressed. He quit his job just last year after he fell through a window, and we almost lost him. I don't know what I would do without my dad in my life, though. Lately, I have been realizing all kinds of stuff, like the fact that I almost lost my dad. Throughout these years, I have been feeling good, but during the summer when I had time to catch my breath and think for a minute, I realized a lot. So now that you're up to date, let us talk about how each day is for me, starting with today because I am going to write a little each day to tell you how my life is going.
Today is Wednesday. I went to class like normal. We had a substitute. Then I went to my next class. It was just a regular day. Now it is Tuesday. It's an A-day, so that means I have science, and I am done with my work in science, which is why I am able to write this. These children in my class are driving me crazy.
In a few minutes, there will be a prep up or something, but I don't really like those things. Oh, also, C.P. left me today. She went to the doctor. It's okay. I am scared she is going to see me as I see myself. I feel like that's how all my friends are going to see me, and then they will leave me. It makes me upset to think about it, and the thing is that I know it is true that they are going to leave me. It sucks. I hate my life because everyone leaves me. I act like I am okay, but I am not, and I just want to die. The reason I want to die is that I am tired of my life. I am a good kid. I do my school work, I listen to my teacher and mother. I am a good kid, but I never get treated like it. Like when my class would not shut up, so we got homework, even though I did the right thing. I do my chores, I listen to my parents most of the time, but I get treated like crap. I just don't understand it, okay? I just don't.
The thing is that I want to die because of my life. Sorry I haven't been able to write. The only reason I can now is that I just took a test, and I finished it. Did I fail it? Yes, I did. Do I care? No, no, I don't. And if you're wondering about the last time we talked, I will tell you what has happened since then. Well, someone told Ms. M, and I had thousands of cops and people show up at my house because of it. Also, I have to start going to therapy. I am also going to have to be put on medicine. I think it's going to be called something like 'Happy Pills' because that's what one of my friends is on for a similar thing. The thing that got me most upset was when my mom shipped me off to my dad's for the weekend so that she could cool off. I felt horrible all weekend, and I barely talked during that weekend. For now, though, I am better, and I don't know what's next in my life.
story of suicidal attempts & ideations and parental emotional abuse (TW)
Well I can't really say I was stressed since birth. However, growing up I've always had a carefree personality. With my carefree personality, I always dreamed about playing sports and doing all those stuff an adult calls ‘childhood’ once they grow up. But, what I call my childhood is working in a family business. I worked since I was 5 helping around the family restaurant and started taking orders when I was 10. It was nothing like what I had dreamed. So, in elementary school, I never really cared about my grades and really never paid attention in school. Whenever I get my midterm/report cards back I always had B's and this was considered really bad since I come from an Asian family. Growing up, I always felt like I was a disgrace in my family. My sisters were always the ones that came home with high A's while I came home with B's. Coming home with B's always resulted to my mother telling me she wished she had an abortion before she gave birth to me. This really made me distressed knowing that I was almost aborted since I am a girl. Then come middle school, my parents promised me that I could play one sport of my choice as long as I kept my grades at A's. And as I promised, I indeed kept my grades. However, continuously worked at a young age. I was always envious that other kids my age could hang out with each other and go to places while I was stuck taking orders every day without much rest. On the other hand, my mom has always had bad health and still works to provide for my two sister's college and for my soon college tuition. I have always felt bad for my mom and that I had no right to complain about not having a childhood that most kids have. My dad on the other hand has a childish personality and likes spending money on worthless stuff. This always causes my parents to fight and my mom to get stressed. Sometimes I would wish I was never born maybe my parents wouldn't have to continue working to provide for me and my sisters. Currently, I am now in 11th grade, which I believe would be the hardest year yet. I am aiming to be in the top 10 of my grade and doing the bare minimum of my mom expectations. I am never the one to take effort into anything and I show no interest. With the SAT and ACT coming up and 5 AP classes this year it is so stressful. Not only that I do not even know what I want to do when I graduate from high school. Counting from the times I thought about suicide, there are approximately around 30 attempts.
story of coercion, sexual assault, rape and survival (TW Explicit Material)
I decided to download Tinder because I was bored. I had made an account and said that I was 18. But I was actually 16. There were some creepy guys that I matched with but I was just ignored them. I matched with this guy named Ben. He seemed like a nice guy. He wanted to hang out the same day we began talking. I didn’t want him to become suspicious so I said okay to hanging out. I was very worried about what could happen. I could not drive because I didn’t have my license yet. I made up a story about how I wanted to hang out with one of my friends who would pick me up. My parents approved because they knew my friend. I got ready and had my “friend” pick me up. Ben picked me up and I got in his car. Immediately, I smelled weed. I do not smoke or do any drugs. I am very opposed to it. That was my first red flag. So, the car ride was pretty normal. We got to his apartment. He had a few roommates. He lived off campus but close to the college he was attending at. We watched a movie on Netflix. I sat on his bed, while he laid down on the other side of the bed. I still felt comfortable. I then decided to lay down next to him. There was still about 3 feet in between us. We then did some play fighting and he pulled me closer. We began to cuddle. I still felt comfortable. He kiss the top of my head. And then I kiss his lips. I knew it was wrong. He didn’t know I was 16... we begin to make out. I still felt comfortable. Ben wanted to takeoff my shirt. Which was fine with me. After that he wanted to takeoff my bra. This was the point where I was not comfortable anymore. I told him “no I don’t want my bra off”. I objected many times but eventually he did take it off. After that, we still make out. He takes his shirt and pants off. I did not ask him to do that. He asked many, many times for me to takeoff my jeans after that. I did not want to. I didn’t allow him to convince me. I said “I don’t have a flat stomach and I’m self conscious about it”. He made jokes about it, it honestly made me feel even more self conscious about my stomach, He kept saying “this would be a lot easier if your pants were off” as he was touching me. “Please take off your jeans” etc. I was fine with what he was doing to me (kissing, sexual things), just not the part of him wanting to takeoff my clothes. I know it sounds weird. He said “if I can’t make you (get off) then at least you can (get me off).” So he had me do something to him. It only lasted for probably five seconds because I stopped it. I needed to get home soon or else my parents would get suspicious of where I actually went. So, I used that as an excuse to stop. He said “that’s it? That was too fast”. I said “I need to get home, I don’t want to get in trouble.” We got dressed, he said “I could f*ck the sh*t out of you.” The ride home was weird. We were talking about what happened. He said “be glad that I didn’t take off your jeans. It took a lot of self control. *laugh* If I would’ve taken off your jeans, you probably would’ve screamed.” I was totally astounded when he said that. If his roommates weren’t around and the apartment was empty, he could’ve went farther. Remember, I didn’t have a ride home. He was my ride. It’s so crazy because you think you would know what to do if you were in that situation. But you don’t. I also felt very guilty because I put myself in that situation. Even though he didn’t rape me, I am terrified. When I got home, I still couldn’t believe what happened. A couple days later, he texted me and I immediately blocked him. I should’ve done this right when I got home but I wanted to see what his next text would be to me. I’m angry and sad that I went to hang out with him. I should’ve waited and get to know him for awhile.
story of sexual abuse and exploring sexuality (TW Explicit Material)
I'm just a normal 26 year old happy guy who never overthinking things for the past years. I'm quite a shy guy, and almost never share anything really private unless I'm comfortable with someone who I can share with, including my family or close friends. I never had someone who I can call my true best friend who is always there for me so I rarely share what's on my mind. In 2017 I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. For me, she's the best ex I've ever had. Funny, understanding, warm and I'm very comfortable around her.. but not long, we have our differences and we decided to break up. Fast forward, I still haven't been able to move on and am still searching for someone who is exactly like her -- the one who can make me feel comfortable -- but alas, I haven't found anything like her yet. Until that day.. I met a certain person in my new workplace. This person is technically my boss, but due to being only 2 years apart in age, we quickly become friends.. best friends in fact. For the first time in a long time, I have someone who I can share my problem with. He in fact is the only person who understands my situation, not judgmental, and willing to listen. We usually spend like 2 hours video calls every 2 weeks or so, talking pretty much about everything. From work, life problems, love anything you can think of. It was such a blissful moment for me to have met someone whose way of thinking is exactly like mine. One day I invited him to my house for a little sleepover and quality time. And as usual, we pretty much talked all night before we went to sleep.. and then something happened. His hand is actually groping and feeling up my body. From my crotch, chest, stomach etc. For the first time, I realized that I'm not hating a guy's touch. In fact, I think I'm enjoying it so I did the same to him. I gave him a handjob, and so did he. Fast forward the next day, He claimed did not remember anything from last night. Am I dreaming? No, I don't think it's not because it's too real for me for a dream. As he denied me talking about it, I convinced myself it must've been a dream or something so I never thought about it afterwards. A year passed by, and we grew closer and closer than ever before. I haven't given up on searching for the next girlfriend who can make me comfortable. But after plenty of first and second dates, I never felt any quality I've been searching for from various dates. One date I have known her for like 3 months, but never felt anything so I stopped and looked at the next one. Then one day, I invited my boss again to vent out my frustration about my loneliness and have someone to share with. He understood me and he also said that he is in the same situation as me. His ex-girlfriend left him to marry another and he has not been able to move on ever since. Much like best friends do, we spent hours talking about our stuff until dawn and decided to sleep. And then something again happened that night and this time it felt really real. We even kissed though, if I remember correctly. But I didn't confront him this time because I'm scared he might denied and thinking I'm gay or something. We live in a country where LGBTQ people are frowned upon, so I decided not to say anything. I'm still in touch with him, and this time, our communications are getting frequent. At least every 4-5 days, we usually chat or do video calls. Our record for video calls was 5 hours long though, how Impressive was that? I called him up to spend the night with me again and he gladly accepted. Again, something did happen that night and I remember correctly this time. But as I'm confused about what kind of relationship we are having, I decided to confront him for the last time. This time he did not deny about the 2nd and 3rd time we did it. But he still claimed didn't remember anything on the 1st night. So, basically he came out that he's bisexual. I don't know about myself actually. Whether I'm gay, bi or straight, it doesn't really matter to me. As I don't want to put labels on it. Maybe I'm just pansexual and I'm drawn to his personality and he is able to make me feel comfortable. That's why I didn't hate his touch the first time before. As we both came out, he told me that he was actually relieved that he was able to tell me about it, despite that he thought I might not accept him for who he is. But again, I'm in the same boat as him as it was hard to tell each other about our confusing sexuality. That night, he also told me that he actually has a boyfriend. He has been going for 2 years and isn't able to tell me prior to his coming out. I was shocked and at a loss at that time. Why do I feel shocked? Why do I feel at a loss when he told me about his boyfriend? Is it because I subconsciously love him the moment he makes me comfortable? Is it because we slept together twice? Truth to be told, I'm still at a loss myself. Maybe finally admitting that I'm not straight, and having all of my feelings bottled up and everything was released at the same time and I became emotionally unstable. So I put our discussion on hold. After a week of struggle coming out to him, I can't sleep, I can't think and he's all I could think about. Why did he have to meet him first 2 years ago? Why didn't I meet him faster before he had a boyfriend? That thought crossed my mind many times for a week, and I concluded to myself: That I'm in love with him. For at least 1 year of knowing him, the moment he made me comfortable. A day before I started writing this story, I finally confronted him at his house and told him I love him. I told him when I fell in love with him. I told him why I love him. And I told him that I'm freaking jealous over his boyfriend. All this time, when we slept together for twice/thrice, I thought it was a signal from him that he's into me, but I think I misread those signals. Or he's just a freaking asshole. I put my hopes and expectations on him and he let me down. I know it was wrong for me to put expectations on others. After that, we decided to remain best friends. It's gonna be hard for me to handle my feelings towards him. But if I left him, I don't have anyone else who I can share this with. He still has a boyfriend to share this with, but what about me? I have no one that could understand me better than him. I'm lonely. And the fact that my best friend just made me even more lonely is what makes this hard.
story of self harm, dermatillamania, and parental abuse
During my 8th year of existence, I began a rare form of self harm called skin picking, otherwise known as excoriation disorder. Around 2-5% of the population have this disorder, and it's most common between the ages of 13-15. I could never initially pinpoint exactly why I did this. I certainly never knew how to stop, either. My parents spent money on dressings and treatments, but I couldn't seem to stop. I have continued to do this right up until now, but I'm slowly realizing things about it. I now know it gets worse when I am anxious or upset. I know that it is worse when I am at home for prolonged periods of time. I have been mentally and emotionally abused by my mother since birth. She never helps me to feel good about myself, and targets my flaws. Due to this, I always feel like that, if I am already ugly and a bad person, then I may as well continue to pick at my skin. If I could stop, I would. I would give anything to rewrite the past 7 years, and take my disorder out of it, but I can't and I am working towards healing myself.
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