story of family inflicted rape of a child (TW)
I can’t fully remember my age and/or other events that happened around this time period, but I was young. Young enough to not know what sexual assault or rape was, let alone sex. I was so innocent, yet so easily influenced. I knew what he was doing to me wasn’t right, but when I tried to tell my older sisters, they laughed it off, so I did the same. Even though I didn’t think much of what happened to me after that, I still fully remember being sexually assaulted by my cousin. It started off as an innocent sleepover at my cousin's house. They were both older than my sister and I (my sister is five years older than me).
The sleepover went just fine, until my sister and my other cousin went out, so it was just he and I. He wanted to watch a scary movie, I vividly remember the movie. It was called “The Messengers”. He asked me to sit in his lap and I was too young to find that inappropriate at the time. I got into his lap and felt him thrusting as I sat there watching the movie. I began to feel uneasy and uncomfortable hoping that someone would come home, but no one did. I can't remember how long this lasted, but it felt like hours. At one point, he began touching me and rubbing me inappropriately. This was not the last time this happened to me. My sisters and I would go over to their houses often and he would bring me into his empty parents room. He would tell me to bend over on their massage bed and dry hump me. This happened numerous times until I became old enough to be aware of his actions. I remember one night showing my sisters how he would touch me. I demonstrated his actions on a large bear that was just about the size of me at the time. They thought I was joking and laughed it off.
I buried these memories deep down and chose not to acknowledge them until I wanted to. I also want to say, his father is just as much a pervert as he is. My sisters and cousins have always agreed that his dad was a creep and everyone knew that, but no one did anything about it. There are several things that his father has done to me as well. His father had shown me his penis on several occasions during this time period. His father would also make me rub my hands against his crotch. I feel sick thinking that many of my cousins were openly uncomfortable about their father, yet no one did anything, and he just walks free. My parents are traditional. They grew up in China and immigrated here to give my sisters and I a better life. They always cared for success, but never much about our feelings. Telling them something like this would never be believed by them. They stick very close with family and would never believe anything like this. I have accepted that.
I will never have the relationship with my parents that many of the people I grew up with had with theirs. I will have to live with these memories my entire life and act like our family isn’t messed up. I have to see two people who sexually assaulted me at every family reunion. There are times where I have to be alone with these people, but not a word is shared about what they did to me when I was younger. They will never admit it and I just can’t bring myself to confront them. But hopefully one day I will be able to. They have ruined every part of me and the way they turned out today makes a lot of sense. My cousin now works with his dad, he is socially awkward and has never had a girlfriend. I wish I could get justice, but with the family that I have, that will never happen. I wish that young girls and boys didn’t need to know what sexual assault is at a young age, but these things are so common and should be taught to kids young. They should not wait until it’s too late to realize they were sexually assaulted.
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