story of sexual abuse and exploring sexuality (TW Explicit Material)
I'm just a normal 26 year old happy guy who never overthinking things for the past years. I'm quite a shy guy, and almost never share anything really private unless I'm comfortable with someone who I can share with, including my family or close friends. I never had someone who I can call my true best friend who is always there for me so I rarely share what's on my mind. In 2017 I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. For me, she's the best ex I've ever had. Funny, understanding, warm and I'm very comfortable around her.. but not long, we have our differences and we decided to break up. Fast forward, I still haven't been able to move on and am still searching for someone who is exactly like her -- the one who can make me feel comfortable -- but alas, I haven't found anything like her yet. Until that day.. I met a certain person in my new workplace. This person is technically my boss, but due to being only 2 years apart in age, we quickly become friends.. best friends in fact. For the first time in a long time, I have someone who I can share my problem with. He in fact is the only person who understands my situation, not judgmental, and willing to listen. We usually spend like 2 hours video calls every 2 weeks or so, talking pretty much about everything. From work, life problems, love anything you can think of. It was such a blissful moment for me to have met someone whose way of thinking is exactly like mine. One day I invited him to my house for a little sleepover and quality time. And as usual, we pretty much talked all night before we went to sleep.. and then something happened. His hand is actually groping and feeling up my body. From my crotch, chest, stomach etc. For the first time, I realized that I'm not hating a guy's touch. In fact, I think I'm enjoying it so I did the same to him. I gave him a handjob, and so did he. Fast forward the next day, He claimed did not remember anything from last night. Am I dreaming? No, I don't think it's not because it's too real for me for a dream. As he denied me talking about it, I convinced myself it must've been a dream or something so I never thought about it afterwards. A year passed by, and we grew closer and closer than ever before. I haven't given up on searching for the next girlfriend who can make me comfortable. But after plenty of first and second dates, I never felt any quality I've been searching for from various dates. One date I have known her for like 3 months, but never felt anything so I stopped and looked at the next one. Then one day, I invited my boss again to vent out my frustration about my loneliness and have someone to share with. He understood me and he also said that he is in the same situation as me. His ex-girlfriend left him to marry another and he has not been able to move on ever since. Much like best friends do, we spent hours talking about our stuff until dawn and decided to sleep. And then something again happened that night and this time it felt really real. We even kissed though, if I remember correctly. But I didn't confront him this time because I'm scared he might denied and thinking I'm gay or something. We live in a country where LGBTQ people are frowned upon, so I decided not to say anything. I'm still in touch with him, and this time, our communications are getting frequent. At least every 4-5 days, we usually chat or do video calls. Our record for video calls was 5 hours long though, how Impressive was that? I called him up to spend the night with me again and he gladly accepted. Again, something did happen that night and I remember correctly this time. But as I'm confused about what kind of relationship we are having, I decided to confront him for the last time. This time he did not deny about the 2nd and 3rd time we did it. But he still claimed didn't remember anything on the 1st night. So, basically he came out that he's bisexual. I don't know about myself actually. Whether I'm gay, bi or straight, it doesn't really matter to me. As I don't want to put labels on it. Maybe I'm just pansexual and I'm drawn to his personality and he is able to make me feel comfortable. That's why I didn't hate his touch the first time before. As we both came out, he told me that he was actually relieved that he was able to tell me about it, despite that he thought I might not accept him for who he is. But again, I'm in the same boat as him as it was hard to tell each other about our confusing sexuality. That night, he also told me that he actually has a boyfriend. He has been going for 2 years and isn't able to tell me prior to his coming out. I was shocked and at a loss at that time. Why do I feel shocked? Why do I feel at a loss when he told me about his boyfriend? Is it because I subconsciously love him the moment he makes me comfortable? Is it because we slept together twice? Truth to be told, I'm still at a loss myself. Maybe finally admitting that I'm not straight, and having all of my feelings bottled up and everything was released at the same time and I became emotionally unstable. So I put our discussion on hold. After a week of struggle coming out to him, I can't sleep, I can't think and he's all I could think about. Why did he have to meet him first 2 years ago? Why didn't I meet him faster before he had a boyfriend? That thought crossed my mind many times for a week, and I concluded to myself: That I'm in love with him. For at least 1 year of knowing him, the moment he made me comfortable. A day before I started writing this story, I finally confronted him at his house and told him I love him. I told him when I fell in love with him. I told him why I love him. And I told him that I'm freaking jealous over his boyfriend. All this time, when we slept together for twice/thrice, I thought it was a signal from him that he's into me, but I think I misread those signals. Or he's just a freaking asshole. I put my hopes and expectations on him and he let me down. I know it was wrong for me to put expectations on others. After that, we decided to remain best friends. It's gonna be hard for me to handle my feelings towards him. But if I left him, I don't have anyone else who I can share this with. He still has a boyfriend to share this with, but what about me? I have no one that could understand me better than him. I'm lonely. And the fact that my best friend just made me even more lonely is what makes this hard.
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