Story of Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, Substance Use, Attempted Suicide, Depression, Religion, and Neglect (TW)
Well, I would like to start off by letting you know that my various hardships started as early as I can remember- when I was five up to now and I am thirty-two. This is going to be lengthy, and I hope you read because I feel that it may help you. It started when I was five years old. My five siblings: three sisters, two brothers, mother and I were living in poverty. We lived in public housing and relied on the government. Living there absolutely sucked. We were pretty much the only white people there and we were always called racist slurs and it was a weekly occurrence that we would find out someone had been shot in front of our apartment door. We didn’t have a dad to help my mother out because he was put in prison for sexually assaulting two of my sisters. I think that having to take care of us six kids by herself was the reason why she was drinking every day. She was an alcoholic and had gotten pulled over for D.U.I with us in the car a few times before they finally took us from her. It was very bad because my brothers and I got put in a foster home and my sisters got put in another. The people we got stuck with fed us beans and rice everyday. We were there for over a year. They would always lock us up in closets and the garage for no reason. One day they had locked us up and they had stuck me in the garage. Do you know the sound a car makes when you turn it off and the metal starts cooling down? That tinkering sound. At that time I was six and believed in monsters and it scared me so bad. They had a door that led to the outside, but in front of it was stacked full of five gallon paint buckets. I had moved all of them and escaped. I ran up the road until I saw a woman swinging on her porch swing. I ran to her and was crying telling her everything. A week after that my sisters and I were reunited with our mother. She had got out of jail and was doing good and not drinking. She had met my soon to be step dad. He was a retired chief from the Navy. He was staying in the woods for some reason that I didn’t know, but he had got a job at the housing complex where we were living and ended up moving in with us. He was saving money and we moved out of the complex and into a house. Things were going good, however, not for long. They had started drinking everyday and would fight. One day, my brothers and I were playing outside together in the front lawn, when all of a sudden, my mother bursted out the front door with him right behind her holding a knife. She had tripped and fell in the yard and he was hovering over her saying he was going to kill her. I ran over to him and shoved him telling him to get off my mom. They ended up going back inside and when us boys went to go in, he told me I wasn’t allowed to come in and made me stay out all night. I was only seven at that time. The drinking was all the time and the fighting was periodically. They had split up at one point for a month and then got back together. We needed him. My mom had six kids, and two of my sisters were handicapped (mentally retardant). He worked and also got a check for being retired from the Navy. He spent twenty years in the Navy. He saved money and we moved into a different house, and then he and my mom got married. Then, one of my handicapped sisters died. At that time, I was twelve and they were still drinking everyday and the fighting started happening almost every night. It was happening so much I remember lots of nights hearing them fighting till two in the morning and finally he would go to bed, but tell my mom not to come in his room, so she would come in my room and ask me if she could sleep in my bed and I would say yes, and I would sleep if I could for the four hours before we would have to go to school. Sometimes they would start fighting early during the day and I would stick up for her and he would beat me. One day, he and I got into an argument and he pushed me down and he went to walk away and I went running at him and pushed him into the entertainment stand and he called the law and had them take me and I got put in foster care. I was thirteen then. They were always changing me from one foster home to another while I was in there and so I was also always changing schools. It was horrible because it caused me to get behind in school, and ultimately ruined my chances of graduating. I had to get my G.E.D. While I was in foster care, my other handicapped sister died. I was so sad and angry. I didn’t get to spend time with her before she passed. Before I got into foster care, I remember pushing her in her wheelchair to take her for a walk, and helping mom take care of her like feeding her and giving her her medicine. I helped my mom by holding her up in the tub. I was so angry that I cursed God saying he wasn't real. I remember trying to commit suicide a couple of times after that. I had took a whole bottle of aspirin one time and then I tried to hang myself from the cords on my weight bench. I continued to feel as if I had no family and no one who cared. A week right before I turned eighteen, the state had told me I could go back home. I hate that they had done that to me, because if I was in there for that last week I would have aged out and I would have had the opportunity to go to college free with free room and board. They did me dirty and instead I went back home just to get kicked out a week later because it was the same thing: drinking and my stepdad and I getting into it. I was thrown out on the street with nowhere to go. I had no friends to turn to for help. I was always changing schools so I never had time to make friends. I slept outside for a week and finally went to him begging for him to let me stay. He ended up saying yes. Something happened a few days later and he had called the police and I went to jail. I stayed homeless on the streets with nowhere to go. I ended up walking two counties over to one of my foster homes and asking if I could stay and they told me no. While I was walking with nowhere to go, I stopped at this store to see if they would give me some water and the guy working was talking to these two girls and one of them looked at me and started to talk to me. She told me I should come over to her house because they were having a party and it would be fun, so I did. We ended up getting along great together talking and drinking and she said I could stay there. She said I could work for her dad doing roofing. Her dad finally let me work for him. I went to work for him and he worked me that first day, paid me at the end of the day, and didn’t have me work anymore after that for some reason. I went back to her house and she said that I should get her some pills with that money I made. So, I gave her the money. I had no idea she took pills till then. I ended up getting a job at McDonald's a week later. When I got paid she wanted me to get her pills again. I gave her the money. At this time, it had been a month since I first met her and I liked her, but I didn’t want to be with a drug addict, so I left. I had nowhere to go once again and I was on the streets. I called my mom and told her I have nowhere to go. I don't know anyone and asked her what to do and she told me about homeless shelters. I started to look for one and there wasn’t any in the area I was in and the closest one was across the state line, so I went there to find out that I couldn’t stay there. They had a rule that I had to be a town resident before I became homeless. I didn’t know what to do. When I had called my mom I found out that my brothers were in the military. I called one of them and found out that they were both stationed around the same area and he said I could come stay with him because he had just got married and was living off base. I went across the country to stay with him. I had put in applications for jobs, but no one was calling me and my brother started telling me I had to go if I didn’t get a job. It had been a month since I had first arrived at his place and he ended up telling me I had to go. The next day, I finally got a call for a job, but I didn’t have anywhere to stay. I slept outside, but I went to work. I eventually told my boss I had been sleeping outside and they let me stay with them long enough for me to save up to get a place. Plus, she said I was working really hard and that she was going to give me a raise, but not to tell anyone because I would be making the same as the others that had been there for a long time. I stayed and saved and two months later I got my own place. I worked there for two years and I would hangout with all the other workers outside of work. I liked them all. It ended up becoming a problem because this one coworker wanted me to hang out with her at her place, but I had plans to hangout with one of the other ones, so I couldn’t hangout with her. The next day at work, she told me I was stupid for hanging out with them because they were always talking about me behind my back. I told her I don’t care and she started calling me more names and wouldn’t leave my work area, so I went to the boss and told her and she said if we can’t get along she would fire us both and that made me mad, so I quit. I wish I hadn’t done that, but I did. I wasn’t thinking and let my anger get the best of me and it really screwed me because my lease was up that month and I had nowhere to go and no job. I was twenty-one at this time. Then, I found out I was a father. The girl that I left that was taking pills had a boy. I was told I had to pay child support. I tried to get back with her, but she was with another man that she also had a child with. Since then, I have been homeless. I keep on trying, but it is impossible for me to get a place and a job. I went to many shelters, but they only let you stay for two months and I had to get a job at the same time, but it’s not enough time for me to save up enough to get a place because I have to pay child support, which takes half of my money and I can’t save for first month’s rent, last month's rent, and security deposit. It’s too much money for just me. I have been homeless for over ten years now. It has been horrible. I’ve got behind on a lot of child support because of it. I have lived with depression, high anxiety, and stress every waking hour for all these years. I had started hearing voices the last three years. The doctor told me that with depression getting so bad, it caused me to be schizoaffective. I also can no longer stay focused no matter how hard I try. My mind is all over the place thinking about everything. It has actually been hard to write this. I now get social security. It helps with child support, but after child support I only get four-hundred dollars a month. Nowhere can I get a place with that. I’d have to pay rent, electricity, and my phone bill. I don’t see any way to ever have my simple dream, like having a place, food, and a family. Really, I stopped thinking about it recently. I have learned to be happy despite all of the hardship. I have learned the important things in life. I’ve stopped being angry, saying “why did I have to be born to a life like this”. I had my opportunity and screwed it up for having all that anger buildup. I’ve learned to love. My stepdad is no longer alive. I forgive him though. He was actually a good man. He took a woman and six kids in and took us out of the public housing. My mom, I don’t know where she is today. She is a good mother though. She raised six kids with two of them handicapped. That is a lot of work. I feel very sad for her because she has had a rough life too. We all have rough lives that cause us to be imperfect. We tend to take our pain and sorrow out in negative ways like anger, drinking, or drugs. I learned to appreciate what I do have. The beautiful skies, seeing the sun coming up in the morning, and the stars at night. The beautiful trees and flowers, the amazing animals, the ocean, lakes, and rivers. I’ve learned to appreciate what my life has created for me. It made me the man I am today; I’m loving. I’m appreciative. I’m a hard worker. Even though I see no end in sight, I am still trying hard. I am trying twice as hard than most- I have to. It’s horrible not knowing when the next time you are going to eat or have a drink of water. I have run out of places just asking for some water. Most of all, I am closer to God. Even though I have done the most horrible thing to curse God many years ago. I know he forgives me and is with me and that is what matters. We all are going to leave this world one day and I want to go knowing I have done the best I could. I know I can’t take anything with me when I go. I can’t leave behind anything materialistic for my son, but I can leave behind some knowledge to him and others. No matter what negative situation happens, the main thing that matters is to live by God’s word. Be humble before God and never forsake him. Never give up no matter what. Do the best you can do, and never allow your heart to be hardened.
Story of Religion, Manipulation, Depression, Substance Use, Domestic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Psychological Abuse (TW)
I never wanted to be a part of a life that was founded on sin, confusion, stress, pride, and oppression. This man expected a woman to be his God. he tried to justify his laziness to not work. Him and his family tried to justify the emotional and psychological abuse that they used through manipulation, intimidation, control, and threats. I looked back and was fooled into believing lies. The church was always there to tell the truth. This is the evilest situation I’ve ever experienced. A man and his family trying to justify deception, idols, and abuse. Another reservation I had was the fact that I did not have kids and I gave myself years to prepare myself for somebody that deserved me. Him and his family did not deserve me. They are driven by arrogance, confusion, stress, early death, and stupidity. They think that they are this and that and I look at them and see misery, depression, and chaos. I’m so grateful that I know God, even when it’s pathetic that I’m around people that claim to know God that are 5 to 45 years older than me that know nothing of God’s blessings and do not have regard for anybody else’s feelings or life except theirs. They were never going to convince me of their beliefs that were not biblically based. The whole relationship was founded on self-centered wills, pressure to achieve unrealistic extreme demands that would not be healthy for any human. I am so glad that I saw it early. I did what God wanted me to do, not what you wanted me to do and in your evil mind that makes me a person who is not a Christian. You do not even know what a Christian is. I had to fight against you, your abuse, your demons, your deception, and your sexual and demonic idols. I saw straight through them using their morals and values to try and justify sin and evil. I realized that they were experts at emotional and psychological abuse that they would further use to lie and put it on somebody else, while you never come clean in your role of starting the whole catastrophe. I realized that they had a covenant with demons to keep somebody’s death alive by tormenting my life in a perverted, demonic, and disgusting way. I knew I did not owe anybody’s past anything. I was never going to allow them to feed me lies and take away God’s best out of my life. I know God created me to live in my memory only. I am me and I do not owe anybody’s past anything! They were so blind by their selfish ambitions and believed lie after lie. They did everything they could do to destroy and discredit everything that God wanted built. They were hypocrites, trying to give all this advice about a blended family when you do not have one yourself. I never promised him I would engage in his mom and sister’s homosexual idols of pictures and beds in my relationship. He admitted to me that he would never date somebody with kids, you are an evil hypocrite, you have kids, you are pursuing women that you do not deserve, you want somebody to have your nasty baggage but you’re not willing to have somebody else’s, you’re a hypocrite I realized they were in this fantasy world of dating for years and then getting married. That does not work for this man. He is the kind that needs to go ahead and get married because he is too sexual! Thinking he’s going to stay from sex for years and then marry, you’re fooling yourself! I thought that we would be on a healthy plan of understanding and help from the church to plan a holy relationship and wedding. NO! Instead what happened was me being lied to and cohered into deception and manipulation being pregnant, being abused and deceived into a birth that with the correct information could have avoided my baby being born out of wedlock without God’s blessings on a date that is directly connected to his nasty disgusting perverted past, me and my baby being attacked by demons and having a certificate with a date on it that was founded on abuse, lies and the idolatry of a dead person I want absolutely nothing to do with! I was grateful for a counselor that listened to me. She understood what I was experiencing. She understood that all this abuse was going on for years, before and after the evil deception at the hospital. I realized the elaborate hoax to try and justify evil! I realized that they were experts at emotional and psychological abuse. I realize that they try to justify their abuse with lies and intimidation. He nor his family takes responsibility and apologizes. It was never about just your kids! It was about God, what we agreed to, communication, honesty and holiness, not your parents and sister’s opinions and nasty demonic covenants I never in my life thought I would meet people climaxing to be Christians and justifying the abuse and oppression of a woman to the point of a deceitfully evil birth out of wedlock and trying to use everything in their power to justify a baby being born out of wedlock and boasting and being prideful of their evil ways! My daughter will have the opportunities that I never did, I will be by her side to make sure somebody’s past or family does not take advantage of her or make her feel guilty for not wanting to be around them or making her be cohered into lies, deceit and manipulation They are so full of pride, lies and arrogance. They have a puny life in a small town where they engage in a ridiculous number of sports. These sports are not putting food on our table. Your priorities are a disaster! If you’re using sports to put food on the table, fine, but you can limit that so you can provide for your family! You’re blind to your ambitions, be a real man, go get an education, go, and do useful research to provide for a family instead of being lazy, have a pity party, complain every day, and tear the people down around you! Nobody in their right mind would have lived the way his family tried to force me. It was extremely bizarre and disgusting. I have not received an apology after years of all this abuse. I was grateful for a counselor that listened to me. She understood what I was experiencing. She understood that all this abuse was going on for years, before and after the evil deception at the hospital. I know that I can only depend on God and the people that will listen and hear what has really gone on. I know that my prayers and my own will have been protecting me. I cannot believe that I met such disgusting and evil people. What I’ve learned and am warning anybody who reads this: Do not allow somebody’s mother to control your household through their thoughts and feelings that are founded in lies, deception, pride, arrogance, selfishness, idolatry and confusion. Do not marry into a family who has tried to justify manipulation, blaming, shaming, name-calling, insults, put-downs, infantilization, trivializing, triangulation, sabotage, gaslighting, scapegoating, blame-shifting, projection, ranking and comparing, threatening harm. Do not date a man who threatens to call the police and put you in jail to try and control you. Do not date a man who purposely creates arguments and confrontations for evidence against you. Do not date a man who refused to run to the church but runs to their family. Do not date a man who tries to justify lies and deception Do not date a man who tries to justify not working. Do not date a man who tries and justifies living off of benefits instead of money he has actually earned. Do not date a man who tries and justifies not marrying you when you are pregnant with his child. Do not date a man who refuses to meet your family but expects you to be close to him. Do not date a man who does not take your words and feelings seriously. Do not date a man who tries to justify not earning a livable and realistic wage. Do not date a man who tries to justify an unhealthy stressful lifestyle. Do not date a man who tries to justify emotional abuse. Do not date a man who tries to justify giving up on life, responsibilities, and God’s principals just because he experienced a life crisis. Do not date a man who tries to justify putting unrealistic extreme demands on you daily. Do not date a man who talks down to you and over you. Do not date a man who expects you to be responsible for them financially when they refuse to find other methods of making money. Do not date a man who expects you to be responsible for them emotionally. Do not date a man who expects you to be responsible for them morally. Do not date a man who tries to justify putting the responsibility of their past on you. Do not date a man or marry into a family who tries to justify you being involved with their past in unwanted and disgusting ways. Do not date a man who or marry into a family that tries to justify forcing beliefs and lifestyles on you that you are uncomfortable with and that are not biblically based. Do not date a man who cares only about pride, sex, money and pleasing their family. Do not date a man who actively used marijuana 20 to 40 times a day. Do not date a man that refused to surrender to the holy spirit. Do not get involved with a family who loves their idols, sin and abuse more than they care an inkling about you and your life. Never trust a man to be an equal partner financially, emotionally, morally, and with parental roles who is blinded by their miserable life of stress. Do not be close to people whose lives, emotions and wills are not aligned with God and yours. Do not allow a man to convince you that he will treat you right when his actions are just the opposite. Do not allow somebody’s mother to talk down to you. Do not allow somebody’s mother to call you names. Do not date a man and marry into a family who does not view and see you how God does. Do not date a man and be in his family that refuses to listen to and line up with the bible and pastor’s advice. Do not date a man and marry into a family that does not want God’s best in your life. Stay away from people who refuse to apologize and continue in abuse, lies and deception. Do not allow a family to try and justify deception, betrayal, sin and a toxic lifestyle that tries to be forced on you. I never agreed to serve their demonic idols. I never agreed to live a life of sin. I never agreed to live a life of confusion. I wanted nothing to do with him, his mom and sister’s homosexual views and perverted ways! I felt like these people gave me aids spiritually. They are and were experts at trying to justify deception, manipulation, sin, confusion, control and betrayal. They made elaborate plans to try their best to destroy me and my daughter with their lies and idols. They tried to destroy me with their pride, arrogance, and extreme demands. They tried their hardest to put me below where God has assigned me. I know I won’t ever be apologized to for their evil. They are so blinded by their lies; they do not realize God’s ways. They all can find the truth and get answers, but they love their sin and evil more. I do not have a relationship with his mom because of her verbal and psychological abuse. They have never fooled me with their lies and deception. They can try and continue being emotionally and psychologically abusive believing and living lies, I will never have any part of it! This truly is the evilest situation I’ve ever experienced. The amount of deception, pride, arrogance, and abuse is unbelievable! He laughs and tries to justify his insanity because he is too lazy to get up and work. You’re not killing me and sending me to an early grave because you believe and live lies. I want no part of you and your families’ idols of pride, stupidity, confusion, dumbness, stubbornness, and sin! His priorities were always off. His priorities were busyness, sports, laziness and complaining. His priorities should have been church groups, relationship building, a healthy plan for everybody, communication, and God’s ways. I do not admire or want anything to do with his family. Their lifestyle represents lies, foolishness, and misery. Don’t ever let somebody’s mother control and manipulate your life. All his mother taught was sin, lies and homosexuality. She wasn’t teaching me her destruction! She needed to get and stay away from me! They represent a hamster wheel of lies, stupidity, misery, depression, unhappiness, and early death. You can die a sad, miserable life and neglect your health, but I’m not! Be involved in all these sports because of your pride and lies, who cares! You and your family are toxic, so rightfully I stay far away! I’m not neglecting you; you refuse to accept the truth; you aren’t bringing all that sin and confusion in my life. I rightfully will forever protect my daughter and myself from you and your family! Your extraneous demands aren’t taking my life early! I will no longer ever again be raped, psychologically or physically. You will never again threaten me! You will never again force me into sex! You will never again deceive me! You will never again abuse me emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically! You will never again have all your family’s demonic opinions and lifestyle disrupt this family! You will never again allow unhealthy, evil, selfish, perverted people to dictate our relationship and union with God! I pray for protection from them! They did everything in their power to destroy what God intended! No more! I will never again have my keys taken away from me! I will never again have my phone taken away from me! You will never abuse me or my daughter ever again! You will never again intimidate and manipulate me inside or outside of church. You will never again talk down to me! You and your family are scheming evil people that elaborately put the blame on somebody else, taking yourself out of responsibility, well you do not full me! I’ve learned to protect my daughter and I spiritually and naturally. I’ve learned to protect me and my daughter legally. This was never about the boys, it was always about God, healthy relationships, truth, honesty, communication, marriage, and spiritual protections. The boys were no more important than God, healthy relationships, truth, honesty, communication, marriage, and spiritual protections. I’ve learned to get far away and free from you and your family’s demonic idol of the past. Want nothing to do with her! I respect your past, not worship it! Don't look at it! Not be in the same house with it! Don't talk about it! Nothing but respect, that is your and God’s responsibility, the only responsibility I have is to acknowledge and live in truth to God and his principals, not you and your family preferences! I serve God, not you, your family and you all’s nasty evil idols from the past! My daughter and I will forever and always live in my memories only! Nobody is getting me twisted with somebody’s nasty past, nobody! Me and my daughter were always separate from your past, don’t drag your mess into our life! I was and will never be living for demons. I was and will never be a part of worship and missing, no! Accept that the past is the past, move on and stay moved on. I don't owe your past anything and neither does my daughter!
Story of Domestic Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Religion, Self-Hatred, and hope of healing (TW)
20 years ago, I was a strong and independent 17-year-old. Insecure, but I never allowed anyone to dictate my identity or compromise my values. At 22, I married a man whom I believed loved me for who I was. However, as time passed, I began to change, losing myself in an attempt to meet his expectations. I constantly felt inadequate, whether it was about my appearance, faith, or intimacy. I tried everything to be desirable, to feel loved and accepted. For years, I masked my true self behind jokes, obsessive workouts, and conforming to my husband's preferences, even if it made me uncomfortable. I underwent surgery after breastfeeding my children, hoping to meet his standards, but it still wasn't enough. I faced various distressing experiences behind closed doors that left me silently crying in the bathroom. There was exposure to pornography, the introduction of explicit materials and activities I refused to engage in despite his persistence, which only intensified my feelings of inadequacy. I questioned why I wasn't good enough or simply enough. Eleven years of marriage passed, and I became a mere shell of my former self, pretending every day. I resented myself for not being what my husband desired, as he turned to videos during our intimate moments to find excitement. Meanwhile, we portrayed the perfect couple to friends, family, and on social media. However, I later discovered that he had shown private and nude photos of me to business associates, further reinforcing the idea that I was just an object to him. I felt like a receptacle, devoid of value. Unbeknownst to me, my own home was filled with hidden cameras, monitoring my every move for over a year before I became aware. Then, someone came into my life who saw through the facade, who saw the person I had lost sight of, even though I couldn't see her myself. Over the course of a year, this person became my safe haven, my home, my best friend. I resigned myself to spending the rest of my life in a publicly perfect marriage while secretly loving someone else because I never believed in giving up or breaking promises. But eventually, I did break those promises, and it shattered a significant part of me. However, it also liberated the person I had lost. For a few years after the devastating collapse of my marriage, I was broken, filled with self-hatred, and utterly lost. Not only was I not enough for my husband, but my friends and even my own family thought the worst of me. Sitting in my pastor's office after my husband requested an emergency meeting, I felt their pity and condemnation. No one bothered to ask if my husband had any wrongdoing in this situation. I was solely labeled as the sinner. In my darkest moments, contemplating suicide seemed like the only solution, as I believed my children deserved better. I felt utterly alone. Most of my closest friends, who knew nothing of what I had endured, abandoned me, except for a handful who saw through the facade and recognized the mistreatment before I could acknowledge it myself. But then, I found strength in the women who became my friends, helping me rebuild a foundation of the person I once was, even though they didn't know the pre-marriage version of me. I wasn't the villain everyone made me out to be. I began to understand that while my survival tactics were flawed, it wasn't entirely my fault. Even if no one ever knew the extent of my ex-husband's actions, I wasn't the antagonist in my own story. I was simply doing my best and stumbled along the way. The person who caught me, who encouraged me to rediscover myself before we could pursue a relationship, stood unwaveringly by my side. Over months and years, he never made me feel inadequate for needing time to heal, just as he healed his own wounds. My faith in Jesus's love reminded me that we are all sinners. And although I may still face judgment for my actions from those who are unaware of the full story, it's okay. Grace saved me. Love saved me. I transformed from a broken, abused (yes, abused) woman, mother, friend, daughter, and sister. My ex-husband isn't a bad person; he was lost and insecure, battling his own medical issues and demons. I hope that someday he can recognize the pain he caused and find it in his heart to forgive me for not standing up and revealing the truth before it was too late, before I hurt him. As much as I am grateful for escaping that relationship, for becoming a better mother to my children, for rediscovering myself, I still regret compromising my values. Nevertheless, I learned that sometimes hitting rock bottom allows us to start anew. I am no longer the picture-perfect wife I projected on social media or to my friends. I am real, flawed, and human. But I am loved and forgiven regardless of what others may believe. To my ex-husband, who wishes for punishment that fits my perceived crime, I wish you peace and the ability to be your true self, free from pretenses and the fear of societal judgment. Because ultimately, all of us deserve the freedom to be the person God created us to be.
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