story of suicidal attempts & ideations and parental emotional abuse (TW)
Well I can't really say I was stressed since birth. However, growing up I've always had a carefree personality. With my carefree personality, I always dreamed about playing sports and doing all those stuff an adult calls ‘childhood’ once they grow up. But, what I call my childhood is working in a family business. I worked since I was 5 helping around the family restaurant and started taking orders when I was 10. It was nothing like what I had dreamed. So, in elementary school, I never really cared about my grades and really never paid attention in school. Whenever I get my midterm/report cards back I always had B's and this was considered really bad since I come from an Asian family. Growing up, I always felt like I was a disgrace in my family. My sisters were always the ones that came home with high A's while I came home with B's. Coming home with B's always resulted to my mother telling me she wished she had an abortion before she gave birth to me. This really made me distressed knowing that I was almost aborted since I am a girl. Then come middle school, my parents promised me that I could play one sport of my choice as long as I kept my grades at A's. And as I promised, I indeed kept my grades. However, continuously worked at a young age. I was always envious that other kids my age could hang out with each other and go to places while I was stuck taking orders every day without much rest. On the other hand, my mom has always had bad health and still works to provide for my two sister's college and for my soon college tuition. I have always felt bad for my mom and that I had no right to complain about not having a childhood that most kids have. My dad on the other hand has a childish personality and likes spending money on worthless stuff. This always causes my parents to fight and my mom to get stressed. Sometimes I would wish I was never born maybe my parents wouldn't have to continue working to provide for me and my sisters. Currently, I am now in 11th grade, which I believe would be the hardest year yet. I am aiming to be in the top 10 of my grade and doing the bare minimum of my mom expectations. I am never the one to take effort into anything and I show no interest. With the SAT and ACT coming up and 5 AP classes this year it is so stressful. Not only that I do not even know what I want to do when I graduate from high school. Counting from the times I thought about suicide, there are approximately around 30 attempts.
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