(part 2) none of the people i am friends with, never imagined me less then i am. what they saw, was an outgoing, loving, funny girl who always had a smile on her face. nobody imagined me depressed, anxious or frustrated. all they ever saw was (me); someone who could never be sad. well, i was. and sometimes i still am. i have suffered from depression, since 8th grade. maybe even from 6th grade. but, i never had anything to be sad about? i had two great parents, two good homes, people who loved me. i am blessed. i used to be sad, about nothing. but that's what depression is sometimes, people tell you, "you shouldn't be sad, you are so blessed!" and it makes you feel bad. but, you can't help it. it's not something you can control. i was depressed over the littlest things, then over the years i started to have reasons why i was depressed. school- i suck at school. my friends complain about having a b-, while i have a d+. friends- i never have gotten invited to anything, i spent my halloween at home on the couch waiting for somebody to text me and ask me where i was. relationships- i ask people to hangout all the time, because i'm scared that i will get rejected or cancelled on like i did in my past. i may seem desperate at times, because i feel lonely. over the years, my depression and anxiety has gotten worse. i would be anxious about the little things people never thought twice about. my pencil; i used to check my bag three times before switching classes just because it was my only one. my hair iron. i used to tell my mom that i'd unplug it, i still do! sometimes i even take pictures of it, just so when i'm worried i left it on that i have proof i didn't. my mind automatically assumes the worst case scenario, like you would think, "oh shoot. i left my iron on. oh well, it'll be fine." but i think, "oh my gosh i left my iron on, i'm going to burn down the house and fire trucks are going to have to go to my house and i will be responsible for my family owing thousands of dollars, all because i didn't unplug my iron." crazy right? my anxiety has consumed me, and my depression has too. my mind had come across suicidal thoughts and actions, and i thought i was all alone. nobody cared about me? nobody loved me? nobody wanted me? i felt like i was invisible to everyone. i thought it wasn't a big deal, that i should keep my problems to myself. but that only made it worse. i used to sit inside my 6th hour at lunch everyday, because i felt as if nobody wanted me at their lunch table. i was afraid of being called annoying or desperate. i had trained my mind to think the worst things about myself, it was all apart of my depression. the outside me may be happy 24/7, but that's not what i saw at all. i remember being so sad one day, and i walked into the bathroom, turned on the hand dryer and just sobbed on the bathroom floor, because i was lonely. but, you're not alone. i know it feels like you are the only one suffering sometimes, trust me. you're not. you will get through this, you can't let anxiety or depression consume you, because it can. but don't let it, things will be good soon. i promise.
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