I have been struggling with being sad for as long as I can remember. It's not that I am unable to experience happiness, but I do feel like even when I am happy there is something in the back of my mind that weighs me down and makes me numb. When I went to high school I moved school districts and left the tiny school that was my bubble of comfort and moved to a large high school where I was greeted with an I.D. and schedule but was left without any friends. That year in ninth grade my sadness decided to manifest itself self harm. My urge to hurt myself grew more as my self confidence dwindled. I found myself wearing a mask that projected I was fine despite the fact that you could find me daily purging in the bathroom after cross country practice. I told myself it was the running that it made me sick. In the back of my mind I knew that it wasn't normal but as the pounds dropped the complements poured in. "You should be a model," they said. "Wow I wish I had your body." But in reality I looked at all of the girls around me and envied them for what I didn't have. The purging continued and the weight continued to drop. I began drinking at least three cups of coffee to keep myself going. This lasted for at least a year and a half. Sophomore year rolled around and I was lost. The sadness had won and I could no longer think of a reason to live. I got home on March 22, 2015 and I decided I wanted to die. I stared at the knife I got out of the kitchen drawer for at least an hour and cried. I wondered why I was like this inside and I searched for a reason not to hurt myself. Luckily something in the back of my mind told me to stop. I am now a Junior and the sadness isn't gone but I have learned to love myself. I have realized that thoughts that I have are not true. As corny as it sounds I am beautiful just the way I am. I hope that anyone who reads this a similar experience will know they are not alone because I sure feel like I am sometimes. Find people you can talk to, that helped me a lot. Even try getting involved in something that will help you make new friends. Being on the Cross Country team has really helped me. Although I am not necessarily close with everyone on the team it has given me purpose and something to look foreword to.
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