a lot of my friends said that 2016 was a great year for them. it was good for me, at some points. it all started in 8th grade though. i remember being sad in my room, for no reason. i didn't ever know why. i told my mom, and she said "well you have nothing to be sad about, you have a great life. you have two nice homes and parents who love you and have many friends." and i knew that, it was all true. (my mom has depression too.) and it became worse, but i hid it. i was to scared to tell anyone. i knew that people cut their wrists as a relief from the pain. i tried it. i used to scape my wrists with a safety pin. nobody really noticed, i wore long sleeves for a while. in the locker room though, my friend asked me what is that? (i ALWAYS smile when something bad happens or something goes wrong. i can't control it.) i smiled a little and turned my head the other way. smiling is my way of being like a "uh oh" moment. i just can't help it. idk why. i said "nothing." and she stood up and pulled up my sleeve so fast i couldn't stop her. she looked at me as if her eyes were heartbroken. i said "please don't tell anyone." she said "i won't, as long as you stop." she didn't know that she should have told someone, we were so young. i kept doing it though, and one day at my jr high an event happened where the police came. i told my mom what happened and she was shocked. i finally decided to tell my mom. she was in the kitchen and i walked in and said "mom, i need to talk to you." she looked at me and said, "it had nothing to do with what happened at your school right?" and i said "no, not at all." i told her, and her eyes started to water up. mine did too. i got a little better after that, and my depression started to fade away for a little bit. but in 2016, my freshman year, it became awful. i felt as if i had no friends. nobody invited me anywhere or included me. i used to have melt downs every night. nobody would have ever expected to be like this. i was a happy, bouncy outgoing but also shy girl who was innocent. i sat in the library everyday, moving to a high school was hard at the time. i eventually made friends. one of mine was very close to me. we got into our first fight, and she shut me out. i was invisible. there aren't any people who i want to impress, but she was one. i wanted to please her and make her proud to be my friend. i remember at practice one day, nobody talked to me as we waited for the coaches to come. i was desperate for friends. but she had broke my heart, it may seem dramatic, but to me, this was a hurricane. i walked into the bathroom sobbing and i turned on the blow dryer so nobody could hear me. i went into the stall and sat on the ground on my knees and just prayed that i could leave. i was in so much pain. we eventually made up again later on. i was still depressed though. it got worse. from crying myself to sleep to starting to want to hurt myself. one day at school, i saw a sign. it said "what would you do if you weren't afraid?" i thought that that was my last day. i looked at all my friends and told them i loved them and i possibly wouldn't be at school tomorrow. i went home, and overdosed. i stopped short, i was in fear. i went to bed and cried myself to sleep. i wanted to die. i felt so lonely, i still do. i told my friend the next day. she made me go to the counselor with her. i told my school counselor. she called my mom and i went to the hospital to get tested the next day, it was the worst day. now, 2017, i'm better. i'm starting to go to counseling pretty soon, and i'm in anti depressants. after all i've been through, i'm strong. i know i want to give up sometimes, but i can't quit. i won't. you can get through this too. you matter. you are loved and wanted, i promise.
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