5 days ago: I was the same person I've been for the past 16 years. I hated myself. I hated my hair, hated my nose, I hated my body, but those things I could change. The thing I hated the most, the thing that I could not change, the thing that separated me from everyone else...I hated being black. I hated the way it made me feel separate from everybody. I hated the way boys would just overlook me when I had "the hottest friends in school". I was always just...there. I've liked white boys my whole entire life. People always told me that "you're too black, you could never get a white boy". Which hurt. It made me think this way for my entire life. Whenever a white guy says "you're cute" it's been installed in my mind that they are just joking or just saying it to be nice. I hid my insecurities with a charismattic personality that used to please everyone. I was a people pleaser. But that all changed. It all changed when 2015 rolled around and ppl started calling my "charismatic personality" as annoying. And ever since then I've been called annoying. My one shield from all my insecurities was broken. I had nothing to hide behind, nothing to do. So I started pushing people away. I started being mean to people that cared for me. I turned into a gossip, a backstabber, and a liar. I turned into my worst self. And this grew and grew; surrounding myself with fake friends and fake love. Letting my grades slip and letting go of everything I ever cared about. But that all changed 5 days ago. 5 days ago something inside sparked me to FaceTime an old friend. We talked for a bit and she (who was also black) was telling me about societal norms and the beauty inside of us. She used to straighten her hair every day just like me. She wanted to fit in with everyone else in Gilbert, Az, but it all changed when she moved out of the state and saw that long, straight hair, a big butt and big boobs didn't make you "the most beautiful". I was shocked to learned that someone that I looked up to, someone that I prayed everyday freshman year I wish I could be, was having the same problems as me. So she decided to do what I couldn't do, she cut off all her hair. She explained to me that beauty is within the inside, not the out. That moment will be in my heart forever. She showed me that how natural beauty & the beauty within is the most important. And the most beautiful thing I learned at that moment: was the beauty of loving myself. So i want to apologize, I want to apologize to my friends and family how rude I've been the last 2 years. I'm sorry to all the people I've pushed away, backstabbed, and lied to. There's no excuse for it. And I don't have the right words for it, but I truly am sorry. And I finally understand that God makes no mistakes, he made me perfectly in his image. I've learned that a stupid girl's bracket doesn't define my beauty. I do.
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