Being hurt in life is very real thing for me.To begin this chapter we will begin with my Five year old self. It started when my parents had someone babysit me.I never really did have a clear mind as to why or where they were going because of the trauma that follows. I will not say names as to keep them private. My first encounter of depleting my self image and worth, began the day I was made to perform sexual acts with a sibling. We were made to watch pornography and do things a child should never have to do. This continued throughout my childhood until the age of about eleven. I was made to be touched all over made to take my clothes off. Countless times I was told I wasn't enough. I knew something was wrong with what was going on , I lived a super sheltered life and really didn't even know much of anything about the world.I despised the person I was. We grew up going to church twice on Sunday and on Wednesdays. Those days don't include youth functions. And private school, which meant I saw my molester pretty much daily. I felt angry at a young age. I felt very secluded and like I had no voice. I was told that if I were to speak up about this I would be spanked. Of course as a child your going to listen, because that was the way we lived. love didn't feel like a word in my life or verb in vocabulary. I would often be in such a fog I barely knew what was going on. Most of my childhood is a blur for me. There are moments I remember and all I can seem to recall is the trauma. There were a few moments that someone was guiding me which I will speak of in the chapters to come. Not only did the sexual abuse affect me. What went on at home was very frustrating. As a little girl going to church I held on to faith or at least tried. I thought I deserved what happened to me because I felt so dirty and like I was sinning. If your not saved at a young age it is impelled in you to receive God. I remember wondering if God was real? All I knew growing up was God shoved down my throat. Hurt was where i was drowning. I thought being baptized would wash away my "Sins" so to speak. When I got baptized at eight I thought all the hurt would change and my life would never be the same. I was so wrong. It never stopped. From as long as I was young we were home schooled. Some days were fun and my mom would have the neighbors over and church friends and we would all have school together. I lived in a very imaginary world as a girl. I questioned everything.had a vivid imagination. some days I was the meanest little girl to my playmates. Even in a skirt Id roller skate, bike ride,anything the boys were doing I was better at! I was so bossy. The Only times I felt happy was when I was imagining and playing in another world away from reality. I started feeling so sad every night when Id lay in bed crying. Never understood why I wasn't "Normal" Hurt was all I knew. for this time in my life, Id obsess over anything I was doing. Was I doing anything correct. It was like my childhood was just a panic. I couldn't connect to the kids my age I was so disconnected. In fact for the most part I would boss them around. Looking back I despised their happiness.I wanted approval from my parents. I never felt like they truly loved me just felt I was despised by them. I needed approval. coping for me was acting shy. When I was really little I was super outspoken. I started internally hurting , doing this by closing off people in my mind. Every thing I was told to do I just started doing. Not knowing when the next time my parents would discipline me over anything. My mom would break plastic spoons over my back. constantly most days I cant even remember what they were for. Being lectured for hours about one thing I may have done wrong. I would try to black out the whole thing. II started at a young age hating men. I honestly could barely even stand my dad. I felt rejected by him. Times he was at work I didn't want him to come home. My parents argued a lot. neighbors told me that they almost called the cops a couple of times. I was panicking and become hateful from the inside of my heart. Keep in mind this is around the age of five. All of me was sad and angry. I want to be able to remember the good moments. I know that sometimes there were. trauma plays so many tricks on the mind. Hurt made a residual wall in my life. And this carried on through young childhood friendships and my adult life. Until I began to heal was when I started to reflect. This book is mainly to help people who may have felt in my situation. I want to travel with you through my life and through my experiences on overcoming. Its not an easy process I have survived so many things while as an adult it lingers today. This part of my life I want to say hurt is real for so many people today. Healing from hurt isn't an overnight thing you cannot put a band- Aid over a wound and expect it to be healed in the morning. As young as I was I never knew how much hurt I had felt It kept building through time. Id brush it off an add one more bandage. The bandages trapped me in cages. Cages of denial and fear. these next couple of chapters I am going to be reflecting on so many issues. by the end we will talk about how we overcome issues and resolve these things in our lives. Our lives make up so many different outcomes and life lessons we may have never thought about or reflected on. I am grateful Of hurt. I do not condone what happened to me. or how it depleted my self worth. but hurt has made me stronger it has taught me so many things. It wasn't my fault I was molested, without knowing hurt ; I would have kept blaming myself. Without hurt I wouldn't have understood healing.
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