young, dumb, and in “love” It all started in 8th grade, a big Halloween party was coming up, but according to the hostess you ‘needed’ a date in order to go. Me being my 8th grade self thought this was absolutely the end of the world because I didn’t really have any boy friends at the time that I could go with. It wasn’t until a friend of mine helped me brainstorm and we came up with a boy that I’d met the year before in biology, we will call him Kevin. Long story short I texted Kevin and asked if he was going to the party and if he had a date, he said no. He went on to ask me if I was going to go and if I had a date, and I also said no. So the two of us decided we should go together as Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Long story short the party never ended up happening but Kevin and I began getting to know eachother over text more and more. After a month or two Kevin and I started dating... however there was a lot of pressure surrounding our relationship, considering it was 8th grade and everyone had already had their first kisses and first real ‘relationships’. After a few weeks we had our first kiss under a tree at a football game which I thought was pretty crazy considering we hadn’t known eachother very long but of course I kept my cool and went with it because I wanted to be cool. Moving forward... Kevin and I had been dating for all of 8th grade and had become absolutely obsessed with eachother. Not knowing any different this obsession is what I thought love was. We would text eachother non stop all day everyday and we hung out a lot too. Kevin and I started to experiment with other things such as making out and touching around the pants. Still being in 8th grade I knew in my mind I wasn’t ready for this. I knew I didn’t want to start doing stuff like this but I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t want to say no. I had a fear that if I said no Kevin would lose interest in me, or that Kevin wouldn’t ‘love me’ the same. I wish I wouldn’t have been like this. I wish I could have been stronger. Kevin and I started getting into a routine of sorts and preforming sexual acts on Kevin became a normal occurrence in our relationship. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I did it because I wanted Kevin to love me. Being a love obsessed 14 year old I wanted to do anything to make Kevin happy. I began battling with myself in my head saying “ why are you doing this ? You don’t even like doing this ?” But I couldn’t say no to him. Kevin and I’s relationship began to take a turn... We started having arguments over silly and meaningless things however, they would turn into abusive fights. Kevin would tell me all the things I would be doing wrong and make me feel like I wasn’t doing anything right. This really got into my head and this is one of the reasons that I felt I needed to do what Kevin told me to because I didn’t want him to break up with me and I just wanted to do something right. Our arguments began to occur more and more often and each one broke me down more and more inside causing me to be extremely self conscious. I didn’t realize what a toxic relationship this was turning into. This was my first ever real boyfriend and so I thought this is just what a relationship was like. I was so wrong. Kevin and I had been together for about a year at this point and he started wanting more from me and was becoming more and more curious. One afternoon Kevin and I were watching a movie downstairs on my couch when we started kissing. The kissing lead to touching... but then Kevin wanted to try something new. He wanted me to lower my shorts because he wanted to see. I wasn’t comfortable with this but Kevin insisted I do it and begged saying ‘please baby, it’s okay. Don’t you love me?’ Kevin was relentless and I didn’t know what to do. He began tugging at my shorts and I couldn’t get him to stop. I gave in. I let go. I couldn’t take the pressure and he wouldn’t stop. Kevin got his way and I began to cry. Immediately, Kevin stopped and realized what he had done. His mom was on her way to get him anyways and he apologized profusely but the internal damage was done. Kevin promised he would never do this to me again and I believed him, and forgave him... this was not an okay behavior and it should have been a red flag... I wish I wasn’t so blind. Our relationship went on, we had our good and bad days and one night Kevin’s parents had been out of town and were coming home that night at 3am. Kevin lived in a large house and didn’t want to be there alone so my parents offered to let him stay over until his parents could come get him on the way home from the airport. This was so cool for us because he got to stay over at my house super late ! We watched movies all night until I fell asleep on the couch. Kevin kept waking me up over and over and I didn’t understand why, I was half asleep and he wouldn’t stop nudging me and telling me to get up. I was so tired and I just wanted to sleep. Kevin finally woke me up fully and I sat up and he grabbed me and began kissing me. Kevin looked at me and said please baby? And unbuttoned his pants and looked down. Kevin had woken me up numerous times to get me to preform a sexual act on him. He wouldn’t let me go back to sleep because he wanted me. I said “no I’m tired” and he made me feel so guilty for not giving in this time. This was one of the worst nights of my life because I felt like this whole time I was just being used. I felt so stupid and so sick... Kevin and I continued to fight and our relationship became too toxic to handle. Kevin ended up breaking up with me and I couldn’t handle myself. I was overcome with sadness and felt I was worth nothing without him. 3 years later I can say that I have recovered fully from this toxic part of my life and I have learned to remove toxic people from my life immediately. I feel so much happier, healthier and more confident. I have had plenty of time to reflect on this part of my life and understand that what Kevin was doing to me was not okay and should never be tolerated. I also learned what an emotionally abusive relationship looks like. Never let someone tell you that you are less than amazing, and your body is a temple, don’t let stupid boys in. Hope this helps and educates someone out there. Thanks for reading.
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