In seventh grade, I had my first crush. I started to develop feelings for a boy (we'll call him Phil), but it was just my hormones. I wish that I’d spent more time figuring out my sexuality before having my first relationship. It all started on valentine's day when I decided to confess my feelings for him. He accepted my feelings, and we decided to be together. The relationship lasted for about two weeks, but it felt like months. He would show aggression if I didn’t text him 24/7. This caused a lot of anxiety, because I had no Idea what he would do if I didn’t talk to him. He started sending me really strange texts. He would say things like “tell me all about your beautiful body ;)” or “I can see us being together for several years. I look forward to when we’re 17” (Seventeen years old is the age of consent in Texas.) In school he would grab my hand to hold it. He would just lean on me at times. It made me really uncomfortable. It was obvious that sex was the only thing on his mind but I didn't leave because I was intimidated. One day at lunch he sat next to me. He sat next to me everyday, but then, he started running his hands down my body and squeezed my thigh. He really wanted to get sexual with me, when I wasn't ready, and under-aged. I cut him off from that point forward, and he did not like that at all. His messages went from “baby what’s wrong” to “Are you enjoying your break from me?” The stress was too much and eventually I had my first panic attack. My ex-friend (we'll call her Brick) punched Phil while walking down the hallway, and I took the blame for it. While this ended my relationship with Phil, my relationship with Brick was just beginning. About of month later, I started experiencing sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis is when you wake up, but your body is still paralyzed, and it can occur when you have high amounts of anxiety. I would see shadowy demonic figures and they were extremely realistic every night, until I was medicated for it. Anyway, at the end of the school year, Brick gave me an invitation to her birthday party, and to another friend. I wish I hadn't gone. I went to her party on August 9, 2014. It started out really cheerful, and innocent. We started off by watching videos on youtube, then went to a rollerskating rink. I had the best time.I remember going around in circles and feeling so free on the rink. We took pictures on my cellphone, played in the mini arcade, then headed back to her house. We watched netflix, were fed dinner, then her parents went to bed. We sat and talked in the kitchen until midnight, when things spiraled out of control. Brick started acting like a different person, as if she had been possessed. She started talking up a hypothetical situation. “What if a man were to break in, and it was only us? How would we defend ourselves?” she spoke. We thought she was joking, so we gave some silly responses. Hers was: “I would stab him...with a knife.” Our laughter was cut off when she walked to the utensil drawer. “Like this one,” She said as she pulled out a long knife. “This one would do very nicely.” We fell silent. “As for you two...(Other friend)...I could imagine that he would kill you very easily, you’d be found dead.” she stated as she pointed the knife at her. She then turned to me. “You would be found dead as well...(My name)...the girl who was raped.” That was the worst thing anyone has said to me. Brick turned off the lights, then ordered us to walk to the living room. With her being armed, we did so without question. We stood in the middle of the room I gripped onto my friend, we huddled in terror. Brick walked around the house for what felt like forever, I thought I was going to die. She ordered us to sit on the couch, turned the TV on and pulled up netflix again. “The first one to fall asleep will have their face drawn on!” Just like that-she was back to her normal self. She acted like nothing was wrong, as if nothing happened. That was the first night of my life I didn’t sleep, because I knew she'd do worse than draw a sharpie mustache on my face. I wanted to text my parents to take me home, but my phone was out of reach. Brick laid across my lap to make sure I didn’t go anywhere. My dad finally came to pick me up at 10:00 am. I didn’t speak of what had happened that night. I was in such a state of shock that I couldn’t speak .I stayed awake until about 3:00 pm, then I passed out. I wanted to report it, but I didn't want Brick to get arrested, and I didn't even know if I could report someone for simply carrying a knife, and a kid at that. The rest of the school year, Brick was not the friend I thought I knew. Brick kept the experience with Phil in mind. For example, if I didn't do what she wanted, she would bring it up and say that she'd do the same to me if I didn't comply. She carried out those threats. She did this until I had another panic attack. First I tried avoiding her. This made her very upset and she would say things like "If you want to hurt me so bad, then why don't you just hit me?" and "If you don't start talking to me right now, I will hurt/kill myself. Do you want me to do that?" I knew that I couldn't handle the weight of this situation much longer, so I decided to go to the counselor. I finally told someone what I had been through, and there's no rush of relief like that anywhere else. My counselor sent me back to class, then brought in Brick to talk. Brick did not confirm or deny any of the accusations. However, she was asked to write an apology letter. In the letter, she confessed to what she had done, and a restraining order was placed on her for the rest of the year. Fortunately, Brick has moved away, but the pain is still here. I am now medicated, received therapy, and have special education for my mental illness. I get straight A's, earned my learner's permit for driving, got a job, and have a new group of friends who love and support me with all that I've been through. I'm still trying to find ways to cope that don't include self harm, and haven't had any suicidal thoughts for 3 months. I'm still learning how to process my emotions, but I have to keep reminding myself: Brick did not break me. I didn't give in to her. I broke away and I do not need her to be happy. Abuse is never your fault, and there is always a way out.
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